Ask Lucretia

Editor's Note: When the original architects of this website formulated the various sections, we percieved the need for an advice column. With so many people becoming a part of the Goth scene these days due to the popularity of Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails, there are bound to be a lot of people out there with questions and quandries.

Bearing this in mind, we sought out one of the most sagely, quick witted, and well regarded voices in the New York Goth scene... and promptly stole her boyfriend, jammed the lock on her apartment, got her blacklisted at all the good clubs, and cut her down in front of her friends so mercilessly that she moved to Albany. She was a self-righteous bitch with a fat ass and shitty makeup, after all. We always get our advice from Lucretia.

Dear Lucretia,

I truly hope you can help me. I am in a committed two-year long relationship with my boyfriend, but recently we have been having problems. About three months back we decided to switch from latex contraceptives to birth control pills. Normally I would not have considered this, but my boyfriend seemed to think it was essential to our intimacy and enhanced our lovemaking.

Some time after the switch, my boyfriend began to notice that I was putting on some extra weight-- sometimes a side effect of the pills, apparently. Since then, he has been taking me out less and less frequently, but quality time has actually lessened. On weekends he always wants to go to clubs I don't like to go to, and sometimes when I want to stay in he goes out clubbing by himself with his friends.

I am very aware of the priority this scene puts on a trim figure, but it seems like I cannot win. Dieting hasn't been very successful. I have begun to worry if his eyes have been straying, and even if he is remaining faithful. If in he isn't, I am probably in danger because of STDs and such, and this scares me a great deal. At the same time, if I insist we switch back to condoms I just might lose him for good. If I am even a little hesitant, he might take it the wrong way and I feel painted into a corner.

I just don't know what to do.

Yours truly,
Bleakly Despondent

Dear Despondent Correspondent,

If you think your man might be out sizing up easy targets, chances are if he's even halfway attractive, he's already been cheating on you. Men are sneaky varmints, and they will tend to surprise you every full moon and alternating Tuesdays by turning into a bucket of slime.

He might even be fucking people close to you. Have any of your girlfriends been talking about him lately? Saying very nice things or very... accurate things? Watch out if you know what's good for you. Your spidey sense should be going off when you hear stuff like that!

Some people might tell you that a man like that deserves to be removed from your life like a cancerous mole. What a complete crock of shit. Unless you want to look like a dope, you'll fight for what belongs to you. Then if he's outlived his usefulness, do the Praying Mantis deal and bite his fucking head off, straying eyes and all.

In romance, it is true that losers are the ones who get dumped and winners do the dumping. It is a great tactic to be habitually dumping someone at all times, because if you don't don't leave a trail of broken hearts, no one will ever appreciate how precious your feelings are. But most emphatically, when you dump, always do such from a position of power, and never ever look like a victim.

In the wild, the larger bristlier animal gets the most attention, the most food, the choice of mates. In the city, especially in the Goth scene, if you're chubby, flabby or *cough* "big boned", you are either wallpaper or an object of ridicule. Even if you were not blessed with the most perfect of features, strategically applied makeup and a bod that is glorified by latex and lycra will turn heads and bring out Vlad the Impaler in any man. I mean impaling of the very desirable kind.

If you are willowy and flaunting it, and that boy just can't maintain eye contact, you have established control. You've got a leash around his neck; you can say or do just about anything, and that boy will come home with you and do anything you ask. Anything. And as often as you want.

Thin isn't merely in; fat is fatal. Your lean physique is a tactical warhead of enticement. Without it, you're going to have a dud and spend the rest of your romantic life eating out of cans in the fallout shelters.

With all of the fad dieting and post-midnight infomercial workout machines and expensive dieticians fighting over a slice of your checking account, it's no wonder why so many women have forgotten the simple fact that eating makes you fat. Starvation alone won't help— it just slows the metabolism and makes you lethargic, and it's a real bummer to watch your friends eat while you play with your fork.

The solution— and it's a solution used by most of the modelling industry and countless performers of all kinds— is making friends with your esophagus. A quick trip to the toilet after a sumptuous meal, giving your filet mignon to the sewer system, a quick gargle of Listerine from an inconspicuous bottle, and then everyone will be wondering how you're able to live without making compromises. If they ask, tell them that you have a high metabolism. It's another way of saying you're better than everyone else, so feel free to soak up the envy and gloat a little.

There are supposedly medical repercussions to this enlightened practice, but they are easy to work around. Digestive fluids do contain some acid, and when that acid comes into contact with your teeth and throat, it may do damage in the very long term. The answer comes from highschool chemistry: acids are neutralized by basic solutions. Simply gulp down a little Maalox syrup before and/or after you purge, and any offending acid will be instantly neutralized. Make sure that you swish it around a little before you swallow, so that it protects all sides of your teeth. Things which directly act upon acid indigestion and heartburn will always protect you from the side effects of purging.

With simple methods such as these, you will have the edge it takes to come out of the abattoir of courtship with a few pounds of ground up hearts.

Do you have a question for Lucretia? She'll give you the real dirt on how to take no prisoners in the scene. Email her at

Photo: Rachel / Model: Kerry Smith